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BoozyDaves Jokes Thread


BoozyDave
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  • 2 weeks later...

Given the recent news I really don't understand why British tourists
still travel so far to visit lands filled with mosques, women dressed in
black and men with long beards just to run the risk of getting blown
up, shot or decapitated in the name of Allah.



I mean if you're that desperate, Birmingham or London are just a few hours drive away.                

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There's nothing worse than thinking it's funny to send your wife a text on the morning of April Fools Day telling her you think she's having an affair, only for her to phone you back sobbing and saying "I've been waiting for months to tell you..."

 

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My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

 

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when I came home today my wife said "do you know Dave and Sharon from number 23?, they are swingers"

"oh yeah, fair play to em" I replied

then she said "I think we should try it to spice up our s*x life"

to which I asked "Do you remember when Dave and Sharon came to our party the other week, with a £4.99 bottle of wine in hand? then proceeded to drink everyone's vodka, whiskey, rum etc and had the time of there lives dancing and singing, what did you say?"

"I told them they were cheeky !Removed!!! and said how dare they think they could turn up with something so cheap and nasty and take advantage of all the other guests generosity, just so they could have a good time"

"exactly" I replied

 

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Tesco have come under fire for having smoky bacon Pringles as part of a Ramadan promotion.

They have now apologised and offered free female genital mutilation vouchers to anyone who may have been offended.
 

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new boat," I thought to myself.
 

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I said to my wife last night.

"Darling when you die, I will carry you to your last resting place"

Oh my, "how romantic of you she said, I do love you"

Little did she know I had already dug the shallow grave in the back garden.

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