Jokes Thread

[BoozyDave]

I thought I'd start up a jokes thread, if you like a joke just click the like button, I'd like to keep it to just jokes if possible :)
 
there might be some that are slightly bad taste or slightly offensive, but nothing too bad. if a joke offends you, tough
 

 

"Dad, can I have a Coke with my name on it?"

"Why don't you have a Pepsi, Max?"

[BoozyDave]

The big-titted blonde from next door lent over the garden fence earlier dressed in just a see-through negligee, and asked if I could pound her !Removed!.

I phoned my mate John from the animal rescue shelter, and he popped round.

He was there for three hours, and left with a big smile on his face, but no cat.

Strange

[BoozyDave]

I was shopping at Tesco and asked one of those wandering assistants,

"Excuse me mate, where can I find a pregnancy test?"

"No problem" he said, "they're right beside the condoms."

"Listen," I said, "if I knew where the condoms were I wouldn't need a pregnancy test."

[BoozyDave]

Today I saw a dwarf call a black guy a '!Removed!.'

I thought 'that's a little racist'

[BoozyDave]

I managed to get blood from a stone yesterday.
Took some scrubbing, but at least the evidence is gone.

[Gambit]

I received a letter from my local radio. Apparently they did NOT say, "Keep all your messy !Removed! coming in."

[BoozyDave]

When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her !Removed! and the midwife had to pull me out.


That's how excited I was to see my little brother

[BoozyDave]

one of my all time favourite jokes.....

 

I squat down, put my head between my knees and fall forward, That's how I roll

[BoozyDave]

"I'm sick of you treating me like ****!"

My wife screamed just before I shoved her head into the toilet and flushed it again.

[BoozyDave]

I don't know why I pay a subscription for Sky TV. There's nothing of interest on and, to make it worse, I can watch it again an hour later too

[BoozyDave]

You have to feel for the Lib Dems.

Oop's Sorry, I meant the Lib Dem
 

[BoozyDave]

My five year old son walked to school all by himself last week.

I can't wait until he returns home so I can tell him how proud I am
 

[Gambit]

"Marriage" - It's not just a word, it's a sentence.

[BoozyDave]

It's true what they say about foreigners coming to the U.K to do the jobs we don't want..

Like being **** on Britain's Got Talent

[BoozyDave]

I'm pretty certain that my roommate is !Removed! because of the **** stains in his boxer shorts.

They're on the front

[BoozyDave]

Google are to build the first self-driving cars with the only controls being an on/off button.

It might also be handy to include some way of telling them your intended destination
 

[Gambit]

I don't have access to a barge pole so I just shag anything.

[BoozyDave]

Backhand, slice, forehand, smash

That's just some of the thing's I'd like to do to Andy F**king Murray

[BoozyDave]

Never play cards with the lead singer of Marillion.

Especially Fish
 

[BoozyDave]

Ghettoblasters.

They're an 80s stereotype.

[BoozyDave]

My wife demanded that I called an electrician to fix the plug but I re-fused
 

[BoozyDave]

I once knew a suicidal trainspotter who got hit by a train,

He was chuffed to bits

[Gambit]

I think it should be compulsory for women to wear makeup when driving. Just so they'll look in the !Removed! mirror occasionally.

[BoozyDave]

I've decided never to buy anything off the Internet again, after getting conned last week.


I ordered what was supposed to be the world's largest cardboard box, but the one it came in was bigger.
 

[BoozyDave]

"I don't really know my best position. Left, right or centre."

"Wayne, just get on the !Removed! plane and pick an aisle, will you?"