I thought I'd start up a jokes thread, if you like a joke just click the like button, I'd like to keep it to just jokes if possible :)
 
there might be some that are slightly bad taste or slightly offensive, but nothing too bad. if a joke offends you, tough
 

 

"Dad, can I have a Coke with my name on it?"

"Why don't you have a Pepsi, Max?"

The big-titted blonde from next door lent over the garden fence earlier dressed in just a see-through negligee, and asked if I could pound her !Removed!.

I phoned my mate John from the animal rescue shelter, and he popped round.

He was there for three hours, and left with a big smile on his face, but no cat.

Strange

I was shopping at Tesco and asked one of those wandering assistants,

"Excuse me mate, where can I find a pregnancy test?"

"No problem" he said, "they're right beside the condoms."

"Listen," I said, "if I knew where the condoms were I wouldn't need a pregnancy test."

Today I saw a dwarf call a black guy a '!Removed!.'

I thought 'that's a little racist'

I managed to get blood from a stone yesterday.
Took some scrubbing, but at least the evidence is gone.

I received a letter from my local radio. Apparently they did NOT say, "Keep all your messy !Removed! coming in."

When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her !Removed! and the midwife had to pull me out.


That's how excited I was to see my little brother

one of my all time favourite jokes.....

 

I squat down, put my head between my knees and fall forward, That's how I roll

"I'm sick of you treating me like ****!"

My wife screamed just before I shoved her head into the toilet and flushed it again.

I don't know why I pay a subscription for Sky TV. There's nothing of interest on and, to make it worse, I can watch it again an hour later too

You have to feel for the Lib Dems.

Oop's Sorry, I meant the Lib Dem
 

My five year old son walked to school all by himself last week.

I can't wait until he returns home so I can tell him how proud I am
 

"Marriage" - It's not just a word, it's a sentence.

It's true what they say about foreigners coming to the U.K to do the jobs we don't want..

Like being **** on Britain's Got Talent

I'm pretty certain that my roommate is !Removed! because of the **** stains in his boxer shorts.

They're on the front

Google are to build the first self-driving cars with the only controls being an on/off button.

It might also be handy to include some way of telling them your intended destination
 

I don't have access to a barge pole so I just shag anything.

Backhand, slice, forehand, smash

That's just some of the thing's I'd like to do to Andy F**king Murray

Never play cards with the lead singer of Marillion.

Especially Fish
 

Ghettoblasters.

They're an 80s stereotype.

My wife demanded that I called an electrician to fix the plug but I re-fused
 

I once knew a suicidal trainspotter who got hit by a train,

He was chuffed to bits

I think it should be compulsory for women to wear makeup when driving. Just so they'll look in the !Removed! mirror occasionally.

I've decided never to buy anything off the Internet again, after getting conned last week.


I ordered what was supposed to be the world's largest cardboard box, but the one it came in was bigger.
 

"I don't really know my best position. Left, right or centre."

"Wayne, just get on the !Removed! plane and pick an aisle, will you?"