Random Jokes

[bowthruster]

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?""I'm
sending a
voicemail ya fool!"


  



Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking
of buying a Labrador.  "Blow that" says
Mick "have you seen how many of
their owners go blind?"


 

19 paddies go to the cinema, the
ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"

Mick replies, "The film said 18 or
over."


 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat
him off with a
vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with
death.

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a
grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with
a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I

thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

 

My daughter asked
me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and
they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get
one cheaper off the
web.

 

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
could check
her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

I start a new
job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea

move.


 

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC
van.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I

thought to myself, that guy's heading for a
breakdown.

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not
Happy.

 

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe
that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you
die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She
said she
would like to come back as a cow.

I said "You're obviously
not listening."

 

The wife has been missing a week
now.

Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity

shop to get all her clothes back.

 

Two Muslims have crashed a
speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .

Police think it might be
the start of Ram-a-dam.

 

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train
today, she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing. I thought she was dead,
until I saw the red spot on
her forehead and realised she was just on
standby


 

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on
the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and
crying for no
reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the
change."

 

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers
saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot
was a
woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to

reverse the !Removed! thing!

 

Local Police hunting the 'knitting
needle nutter', who has stabbed six
people in the rear in the last 48 hours,
believe the attacker could be
following some kind of
pattern.

 

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off
before I could eat
it!

 A teddy bear is working on a building
site.

He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has

been stolen.

The bear is angry and reports the theft to the
foreman. The foreman
grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you,
today's the day
the teddy bears have their pick
nicked."



  

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well,
she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

Just got back from my mate's
funeral. He died after being hit on the
head with a tennis ball.

It
was a lovely service.

[Gambit]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door. 

 

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

 

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?" 

 

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

 

"You don't have one?"

 

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

 

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" 

 

"I'm sorry, I can't do that." 

 

The policeman says, "Why not?" 

 

"I stole this car."

 

The officer says, "Stole it?"

 

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

 

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

 

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

 

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. 

 

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

 

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

 

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

 

"Murdered the owner?" 

 

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

 

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. 

 

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

 

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. 

 

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

 

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." 

 

The man replies, "I bet you the lying ****** told you I was speeding, too!"

[bowthruster]

:D

[bowthruster]

A  seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying
to get the nerve up to jump.

 A  passing Kiwi stops and says,
"since you're about to kill
yourself anyway,  would  you mind if we had s*x
first?"

The  woman said "Hell no...get away from me...you’re a
sicko!"

 
The  Kiwi turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go
wait at the
 bottom."