My wife had a job interview for a camera store the other day.

Before she left, she knew I'd have a joke lined up, and so she said "please don't give me any of your silly puns, like, You're a snappy dresser, or it'll be over in a flash..."

So I punched her in the face, and said: "That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture.."

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.
A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'That would merely be an accident.'
A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', said Cameron, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Cameron searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a F**king accident either

My mother in law told me that all her friends had complimented her on her new hair do,

I complimented her for having such polite friends.

English is weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Driving home today, my wife was boasting about how good women are at multi-tasking, and how there's "No two things a man can do simultaneously that a woman can't".

I just sat there, scratching my balls as I reversed onto the driveway.

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"

I said, "Who the !Removed! was that? Stop the car, son."

A nerd invites his even nerdier mate round to his house for the first time.

The guest nerd picks up a fossil and says, "What's this?"

The host says, "That, my friend, is a trilobite."

The guest says, "Wow, that's a s***load. Is it USB compatible?"

The girl I brought home told me she finds condoms a real turn off.

I really should clean my bedroom.

At a wedding, I turn to the lady next to me, and say, "I give it six months."

"That's very insensitive," she spat. "Why do you think that?"

I replied, "Because I'm her doctor."

What is the biggest lie ever?

"Yes, I have read and agree to the terms of use."

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been making love all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*****d! You've been playing golf!"

Not sure why black people complain about discrimination.
All the road signs are full of them...

Having watched Benefits Street, it's not much different to Sesame Street...

Both have a big bird, a bloke living out of a bin and people trying to learn the alphabet.

Say what you like about deaf people.

But not blind people, they can still hear you.

These so-called 'foodbanks' are a total rip-off.

I deposited some frozen meals at my local one last week, and when I went to take them out today they said they'd given them away to someone else. Unbelievable.

Women's first thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet:
"Eeww! That's horrible; I must get cleaning equipment before I can use this."

Men's first thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet:
"Hmmm... Can I remove this with the contents of my bladder?"

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

I have a joke about insecurity, but I'm scared you wont like it

People say I'm a 'marmite' sort of person. I used to think this was because you either love me or you hate me.

Turns out it's because I'm black and I smell bad

A new survey shows that 97% of the women who are in "open relationships" ...

are totally unaware that they are in an open relationship.

For their re-opening, Alton Towers are looking for a name to reflect their new image.

My suggestion of "Faulty Towers" was promptly rejected.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question ... It's probably a bird.

Apparently double barreled names come about when both parents want to keep their own surnames,

well, according to my friend Paddy Murphy-Murphy.

I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this email from my 12 year old daughter:
'Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthislaptop.
Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.'

I just walked out of work and eagerly rushed home, but I couldn't help but wonder...

What the hell does 'ternative' mean?

My wife just said, "What do you want for Father's Day?"

"A !Removed!" I replied.

"Ha-ha, but what do you want from your daughter?"

God I am sick to death of repeating myself to that woman.