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BoozyDaves Jokes Thread


BoozyDave
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I get loads of jokes from mates and other forums, so I thought I'd share them on here

 

I would like to keep the thread just for jokes, so feel free to add a joke. if you like a joke just click the 'like' button

 

if I post a joke you don't like please send an email to - Ihaven'tgotasenseofhumor@miserablefuker.com

 

 

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Text this girl last night to see if she fancied a midnight booty call.

She replied with "babe I've got the painters in, it could get messy, but i don't mind if you don't...its up to you?"

I told her it was fine the same thing has happened before and that a bit of mess wouldn't put me off coming round..

I don't know what she was so worried about her room looked very professionally decorated. couldn't believe the dirty ****** shagged me on her period though!

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"I think I'll nip down to the shop and get some beer."I said to the wife.

"You can't go out in that."she replied."It's raining really heavy."

"You're right, love, I agree". "Can you get me some cigs as well please."

 

 

 

 

OMG, the swear filter ruins my jokes lol. 'fa.gs' FFS

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My wife has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I told her I was willing to spend hundreds on her and  took her shopping to try and cheer her up

The ungrateful 'female dog' didn't like a single headstone that I showed her.

 

 

swear filter FFS :angry:

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I think, judging from experience - the worst possible thing in life is touching yourself while watching an adult film, your mum walking in and you quickly changing the tab to Facebook not realising your 10 year old sister's "Beach Holiday" album is open.
 

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I think, judging from experience - the worst possible thing in life is touching yourself while watching an adult film, your mum walking in and you quickly changing the tab to Facebook not realising your 10 year old sister's "Beach Holiday" album is open.

 

 

I never understand why they make adult films that are 30 mins long, if it's taking you that long you should be staring in them, not watching them. 

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Maybe some subaru jokes too? 

 

My girlfriend told me i was having a midlife crisis, 

I was so shocked i nearly fell out of my 600 BHP impreza !  

 

Nobody knows who is going to maintain Bin Ladens legacy...

I didn't even know he had a Subaru !

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Me and my wife were struggling for money so we decided she needed to sell herself by the road side for some quick cash. 

 

I dropped her off and wished her the best of luck. later that night I picked her up and asked how much money she had gotten.

 

"£400.20" she said joyfully, "which cheap W**k*r gave you 20p?"

 

"all of them!" she replied  

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Some times the simpler the joke the better.

Whats got 2 legs and bleeds?

Half a dog

You been listening to my misses jokes Chris?

Her favourite is ' what's brown and sticky'

A stick [emoji35]

Sent from my SM-G850F using Tapatalk

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