BoozyDaves Jokes Thread

[BoozyDave]

What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country?

 

Sexy kids

[BoozyDave]

Waking up in the middle of an operation was traumatic

But not as much as the realization I'd fallen asleep with a scalpel in my hand

[BoozyDave]

I'm sick of women thinking men will f**k anything that moves.

They don't even need to move.

 

 

 

or be alive
 

[BoozyDave]

On a recent flight with my two crying children, I was desperate to find a way to calm them down.

But according to BA, those little kid-sized bottles of alcohol aren't actually for kids.
 

[BoozyDave]

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Oh f**k, he's moving!'"

[BoozyDave]

A big congratulations to the NASA team that sent a probe past Pluto and successfully sent back images.

Now if they could just liaise with 02 and to get me a f**king phone signal in my house!
 

[BoozyDave]

I like the adverts for games consoles; everyone is always so happy.
But for once I'd like a realistic advert. I propose an advert containing an overweight man hurling a controller at the wall and calling the game a cheating c**t.

[BoozyDave]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You'd better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

[BoozyDave]

Calling my new dog "shark" was a big mistake.

I've been banned from all my local beaches.

[BoozyDave]

The Greek Government is getting so desperate, it is starting to respond to emails from Nigerian millionaires

[BoozyDave]

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a relative's grave.

As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin.

Three hours later and they were still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, "These f**kers have lost the plot!"

[BoozyDave]

I was teaching my 14 year old son about the importance of condoms.

He just giggled and said, "I don't usually wear one."

"Why the f**k not?" I asked sternly.

"Because my boyfriend does."

[BoozyDave]

"Nice greyhound, fast as well. Have you considered racing him? " Said this bloke in the park.

"No not really, " I replied, "I'm far to unfit and out of condition. "

[BoozyDave]

For my 25th wedding anniversary I decided to do something special. So I took my wife to Monaco and hired a yacht in the marina. We had champagne, and as the sun set I told her to close her eyes, then placed a chain around her neck.

She said, "It feels heavy, it must have cost a fortune."

I said, "No, it came with the yacht," as I tossed the anchor overboard.

[BoozyDave]

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

Ten minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said, "Because we're still in Bradford."

[BoozyDave]

"I'm scared to death of walking through the park at night anymore with all these Muslim raping gangs that are about," said my sister.

"You'll be safe," I said. "They're not allowed to touch fat pigs."

[BoozyDave]

What's the difference between an angry man and a !Removed! Arab?

One's shaking a fist.......

[Gambit]

1. Parallel lines have so much in common. 
It's a shame they'll never meet.

2. My wife accused me of being immature. 
I told her to get out of my fort.

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
One, they're efficient and not very funny.

5. What do you call a dog with no legs. 
It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.

6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.

You have my Word.

7. What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? 
A pool table.

8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor ******.

9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? 
You look for the fresh prints.

10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.

11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. 
Runs in our jeans.

12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

13. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.
The bartender gave it to her.

14. Want to hear a word I just made up? 
Plagiarism.

15. Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

16. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.

17. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag -
You can hide but you can't run.

18. I took the Shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

19. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life" 
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

20. Q: How do you think the unthinkable? 
A: With an itheberg.

21. Someone stole my mood ring,
I don't know how I feel about that.

22. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
Mist.

23. The first rule of Alzheimer's club,
Is don't talk about chess club.

24. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

25. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. 
She looked surprised.

[stevie]

loved the pirate joke,

[BoozyDave]

Diego Maradona has taken ex-wife Claudia Villafane to court accusing her of stealing $9 million of his fortune.

She vehemently denies this saying it was stolen by the hand of God.

[HawkeyeLawrence]

If you ever feel useless, just remember it's someone's job to fit indicators to BMW's

Sent from my iphone using Tapatalk

[HawkeyeLawrence]

UK Headline:

Black man nearly drowns in local river.

US Headline:

Black man caught stealing water. Shot 4 times.

Sent from my iphone using Tapatalk

[ChrisD]

I was watching Toy Story the other day then I suddenly though... "I bet Andy's mum's toys are called Woody and Buzz as well"

[ChrisD]

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier. The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

[ChrisD]

Two girls take a walk on a hot summer day. They see an old lady sitting in front of her house eating watermelon. They notice she isn't wearing any panties. "Is it cooler without panties?" they ask. She says, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."