hear about the short sighted circumcisionist ?? 

 

 

 

 

He got the sack

was feeling a bit !Removed! off till I ad a read at boozydaves jokes there great,,love um keep it up mate

"You can tell a lot about a person by their car." For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman...

 

 
 

Given the recent news I really don't understand why British tourists
still travel so far to visit lands filled with mosques, women dressed in
black and men with long beards just to run the risk of getting blown
up, shot or decapitated in the name of Allah.



I mean if you're that desperate, Birmingham or London are just a few hours drive away.                

I just ate a McDonalds Quarter Pounder completely smothered in ketchup.

It's just one of many things I like to do whilst completely smothered in ketchup.

 

The draw for Wimbledon has been kind to Andy Murray.

He won't have to lose to Djokovic until the final.

 

11.34: Arrived at crime scene

11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11.34: Found murder weapon in drain

11.34: Realised my watch was broken

 

There's nothing worse than thinking it's funny to send your wife a text on the morning of April Fools Day telling her you think she's having an affair, only for her to phone you back sobbing and saying "I've been waiting for months to tell you..."

 

My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

 

Greece: The only place in the world where Monopoly money is actually worth more than real money.

 

when I came home today my wife said "do you know Dave and Sharon from number 23?, they are swingers"

"oh yeah, fair play to em" I replied

then she said "I think we should try it to spice up our s*x life"

to which I asked "Do you remember when Dave and Sharon came to our party the other week, with a £4.99 bottle of wine in hand? then proceeded to drink everyone's vodka, whiskey, rum etc and had the time of there lives dancing and singing, what did you say?"

"I told them they were cheeky !Removed!!! and said how dare they think they could turn up with something so cheap and nasty and take advantage of all the other guests generosity, just so they could have a good time"

"exactly" I replied

 

My television screen has gone black.
Needless to say, it doesn't work.

 

I lost my mood ring earlier

I don't know how I feel about this.
 

Tesco have come under fire for having smoky bacon Pringles as part of a Ramadan promotion.

They have now apologised and offered free female genital mutilation vouchers to anyone who may have been offended.
 

It's great being a pet shop owner, I have a notice in my window - Skunk for sale - The police take no notice and I make a fortune shifting 2 kilos a day.
 

The lifts are broken & I work on the 17th floor.

Pretty sure I'm the first person ever to use the phone in reception to call in sick.
 

Simon Cowell is said to be heartbroken following the death of his mother aged 89.

Perhaps now would be a good time for him to audition for The X Factor
 

This weeks ' Can't pay, won't pay', should be good.

The sheriffs are off to Greece.
 

Every week another Muslim family in Britain goes off to Syria and doesn't come back.

Islamic State: doing more to reduce immigration than David Cameron
 

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new boat," I thought to myself.
 

Eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
 

What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?

I.O.U.
 

I said to my wife last night.

"Darling when you die, I will carry you to your last resting place"

Oh my, "how romantic of you she said, I do love you"

Little did she know I had already dug the shallow grave in the back garden.

My mother in law came round today.
I must have quite a punch, I hit her last Tuesday.

Both my next door neighbors have been arrested as part of the European-wide raids against online peadophiles.

God knows where I'm going to get my free wi-fi now.