quit Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 hear about the short sighted circumcisionist ?? He got the sack 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevie Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 was feeling a bit !Removed! off till I ad a read at boozydaves jokes there great,,love um keep it up mate 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gambit Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 "You can tell a lot about a person by their car." For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 Given the recent news I really don't understand why British touristsstill travel so far to visit lands filled with mosques, women dressed inblack and men with long beards just to run the risk of getting blownup, shot or decapitated in the name of Allah.I mean if you're that desperate, Birmingham or London are just a few hours drive away. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 I just ate a McDonalds Quarter Pounder completely smothered in ketchup.It's just one of many things I like to do whilst completely smothered in ketchup. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 The draw for Wimbledon has been kind to Andy Murray.He won't have to lose to Djokovic until the final. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 11.34: Arrived at crime scene11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle11.34: Found murder weapon in drain11.34: Realised my watch was broken 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 There's nothing worse than thinking it's funny to send your wife a text on the morning of April Fools Day telling her you think she's having an affair, only for her to phone you back sobbing and saying "I've been waiting for months to tell you..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 Greece: The only place in the world where Monopoly money is actually worth more than real money. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 when I came home today my wife said "do you know Dave and Sharon from number 23?, they are swingers""oh yeah, fair play to em" I repliedthen she said "I think we should try it to spice up our s*x life"to which I asked "Do you remember when Dave and Sharon came to our party the other week, with a £4.99 bottle of wine in hand? then proceeded to drink everyone's vodka, whiskey, rum etc and had the time of there lives dancing and singing, what did you say?""I told them they were cheeky !Removed!!! and said how dare they think they could turn up with something so cheap and nasty and take advantage of all the other guests generosity, just so they could have a good time""exactly" I replied Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 My television screen has gone black.Needless to say, it doesn't work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 I lost my mood ring earlierI don't know how I feel about this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 Tesco have come under fire for having smoky bacon Pringles as part of a Ramadan promotion.They have now apologised and offered free female genital mutilation vouchers to anyone who may have been offended. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 It's great being a pet shop owner, I have a notice in my window - Skunk for sale - The police take no notice and I make a fortune shifting 2 kilos a day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 The lifts are broken & I work on the 17th floor.Pretty sure I'm the first person ever to use the phone in reception to call in sick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Simon Cowell is said to be heartbroken following the death of his mother aged 89.Perhaps now would be a good time for him to audition for The X Factor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 This weeks ' Can't pay, won't pay', should be good.The sheriffs are off to Greece. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Every week another Muslim family in Britain goes off to Syria and doesn't come back.Islamic State: doing more to reduce immigration than David Cameron Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me."I really need a new boat," I thought to myself. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?I.O.U. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 I said to my wife last night."Darling when you die, I will carry you to your last resting place"Oh my, "how romantic of you she said, I do love you"Little did she know I had already dug the shallow grave in the back garden. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 My mother in law came round today.I must have quite a punch, I hit her last Tuesday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Both my next door neighbors have been arrested as part of the European-wide raids against online peadophiles.God knows where I'm going to get my free wi-fi now. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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