BoozyDaves Jokes Thread

[ChrisD]

A farmer and a son live on a farm. The farmer is sitting in the kitchen when his son comes in from the barn with a large glass of white liquid.

He is so excited he exclaims "I just milked our cow daddy!", then he takes a big drink from the glass.

His father just stares at him. "Son, we don't have a cow. We have a horse..."

[ChrisD]

A father gets a phone call from his son. "I've run over a pig and its stuck under my Subaru still alive." "Shoot it," says the father, "and then bury it." About 20mins later he gets another call..." "Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

[BoozyDave]

Interesting Human Body Facts
- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's !Removed! is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

 

 

*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?

 

[BoozyDave]

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "well, you've got the wrong house then, mate."

 

[BoozyDave]

I was really annoyed last week when I came home and found the the wife had paid a joiner to put some shelves up in the living room. She then went on to rant about how she had been waiting for me to put them up since we got married and, as I hadn't done it after five years, she felt quite entitled to pay a professional to do it.

While I can see her point, I have since found out to my cost that paying a hooker for bum s*x apparently does not fit into the same logic.

 

[confusedbrog]

Around eight hundred Muslims have been killed in a stampede.

The rest of the family escaped unharmed.

[BoozyDave]

What's the worst thing about fingering your sister?

 

Finding your dads wedding ring up there

[BoozyDave]

A Bloke calls a weight loss company and orders their 5 day – 5 lb weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few kilometres later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5 day – 10 lb programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 lbs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day – 25 lb programme.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous programme.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds an athletic, well hung, muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31 lbs that week. .. ..

[Rizmo]

American Siamese twins have come to the UK for a holiday - the other one wanted to drive for a bit.

 

Why does an elephant have four feet? Because he would look stupid with just six inches.

[Rizmo]

My wife asked me to pass her lip balm, but I gave her super glue by mistake. She hasn't spoken to me since!