BoozyDave Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I get loads of jokes from mates and other forums, so I thought I'd share them on here I would like to keep the thread just for jokes, so feel free to add a joke. if you like a joke just click the 'like' button if I post a joke you don't like please send an email to - Ihaven'tgotasenseofhumor@miserablefuker.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tidgy Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 o god,,,,, lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 I'm quite pleased now that when I was 14 my letter to Jim'll Fix It to walk like John Wayne was ignored. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 I'm totally devastated.My twin brother has just got 8 years for raping a woman.I wouldn't mind, but we're Siamese. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 My cat is jealous when I have s*x and often bites my girlfriend.Luckily, I have a puncture repair kit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 Text this girl last night to see if she fancied a midnight booty call. She replied with "babe I've got the painters in, it could get messy, but i don't mind if you don't...its up to you?" I told her it was fine the same thing has happened before and that a bit of mess wouldn't put me off coming round.. I don't know what she was so worried about her room looked very professionally decorated. couldn't believe the dirty ****** shagged me on her period though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 "I think I'll nip down to the shop and get some beer."I said to the wife."You can't go out in that."she replied."It's raining really heavy.""You're right, love, I agree". "Can you get me some cigs as well please." OMG, the swear filter ruins my jokes lol. 'fa.gs' FFS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 My wife has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I told her I was willing to spend hundreds on her and took her shopping to try and cheer her upThe ungrateful 'female dog' didn't like a single headstone that I showed her. swear filter FFS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 I think, judging from experience - the worst possible thing in life is touching yourself while watching an adult film, your mum walking in and you quickly changing the tab to Facebook not realising your 10 year old sister's "Beach Holiday" album is open. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 When I die I want my body donated to a scientistbut more specifically, a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 "You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I'd got the biggest todger she'd ever got her hands on,I said 'You're pulling my leg' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear."What's this for?" He asked."A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 "All you ever talk about is golf!" My wife shouted. "Golf, golf and more !Removed! golf!""Calm down love," I said. "Don't let this driver wedge between us." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisD Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 I think, judging from experience - the worst possible thing in life is touching yourself while watching an adult film, your mum walking in and you quickly changing the tab to Facebook not realising your 10 year old sister's "Beach Holiday" album is open. I never understand why they make adult films that are 30 mins long, if it's taking you that long you should be staring in them, not watching them. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisD Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Maybe some subaru jokes too? My girlfriend told me i was having a midlife crisis, I was so shocked i nearly fell out of my 600 BHP impreza ! Nobody knows who is going to maintain Bin Ladens legacy... I didn't even know he had a Subaru ! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisD Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Me and my wife were struggling for money so we decided she needed to sell herself by the road side for some quick cash. I dropped her off and wished her the best of luck. later that night I picked her up and asked how much money she had gotten. "£400.20" she said joyfully, "which cheap W**k*r gave you 20p?" "all of them!" she replied Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisD Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Some times the simpler the joke the better. Whats got 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stants Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Some times the simpler the joke the better. Whats got 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog You been listening to my misses jokes Chris? Her favourite is ' what's brown and sticky' A stick [emoji35] Sent from my SM-G850F using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 13, 2015 Author Share Posted June 13, 2015 A fella in the bar asked me what it's like to be married.I said, "Amaze."He asked, "Do you mean amazing?"I replied, "No, I mean it's hard to get out of." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 13, 2015 Author Share Posted June 13, 2015 My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 13, 2015 Author Share Posted June 13, 2015 My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?" 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 13, 2015 Author Share Posted June 13, 2015 I met my latest girlfriend swinging."Please mister," she said, "can you push me higher?" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 13, 2015 Author Share Posted June 13, 2015 I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoozyDave Posted June 13, 2015 Author Share Posted June 13, 2015 People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys. In 2014, they ate 573,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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