BoozyDave

Not sure why black people complain about discrimination. All the road signs are full of them...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been making love all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*****d! You've been playing golf!"

What is the biggest lie ever? "Yes, I have read and agree to the terms of use."

At a wedding, I turn to the lady next to me, and say, "I give it six months." "That's very insensitive," she spat. "Why do you think that?" I replied, "Because I'm her doctor."

The girl I brought home told me she finds condoms a real turn off. I really should clean my bedroom.

A nerd invites his even nerdier mate round to his house for the first time. The guest nerd picks up a fossil and says, "What's this?" The host says, "That, my friend, is a trilobite." The guest says, "Wow, that's a s***load. Is it USB compatible?"

saw that book a while ago there have been innuendos in kids programmes for years, seaman stains, roger the cabin boy, loads on rainbow

English is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

My mother in law told me that all her friends had complimented her on her new hair do, I complimented her for having such polite friends.

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy. A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'That would merely be an accident.' A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not', said Cameron, 'That's what we would call a great loss'. The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Cameron searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a F**king accident either

My wife had a job interview for a camera store the other day. Before she left, she knew I'd have a joke lined up, and so she said "please don't give me any of your silly puns, like, You're a snappy dresser, or it'll be over in a flash..." So I punched her in the face, and said: "That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture.."

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys. In 2014, they ate 573,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

I met my latest girlfriend swinging. "Please mister," she said, "can you push me higher?"

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity."

A fella in the bar asked me what it's like to be married. I said, "Amaze." He asked, "Do you mean amazing?" I replied, "No, I mean it's hard to get out of."

saw you in the cortonwood car park near matalan today, it look nice and clean

I always walk round and try to talk to most people

are you any good with photoshop? could you borrow some? one of the ways I used to try out wheels was to print out a photo of my car and then print out photo's of the wheels that I liked and just stick them on

hi mate welcome to the club I think darker colours suit black cars too, my winter wheels are gloss black and my summer wheels and dark grey/anthracite metallic.

"All you ever talk about is golf!" My wife shouted. "Golf, golf and more !Removed! golf!" "Calm down love," I said. "Don't let this driver wedge between us."

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. "What's this for?" He asked. "A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I'd got the biggest todger she'd ever got her hands on, I said 'You're pulling my leg'

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.